12/29/08

Mmmm. =]

I went to the Bellagio with Zachary with the intention of going and looking at the Gallery of Fine Art. However, due to my tartiness and the really bad traffic, we didn't have enough time. So we just watched the water show and talked for a bit until his mom came and picked us up. Then we went to his grandma's house and ate dinner. It was really nice.. I've found that every moment I'm with him.. I fall for him even harder.

Miss him bunches..

Hm.

I have a feeling that Kasha doesn't want to be friends anymore.

I cried.

I yelled.

I do think I will make it though. I can't force someone to be my friend. She feels betrayed. I suppose I did betray her. I just was worried.

Once again. I can't make someone my friend. They have to want to be.

So... We'll see how that goes.

12/26/08.

Today:
Christmas night, I spend the night at my grandma's house. My dad was in jail, but he got out late on Xmas night, so whatever.
The next day, I went home and got ready. I had a date with Zachary.
The movie was pretty good. Valkyrie.
Dinner was great. Go Olive Garden!
Borders was awesome. He bought me an Edgar Allan Poe book. =]

The best thing though.
He said he loved me.
He said he wants me to be his.
He said we are now officially together.

It's the best high in the world.

The best things were the the last things you would expect...

Zachary has invaded my mind completely. I would say it was annoying, not being able to think of anything but him, but it isn't. I adore thinking of him.. It's so odd, though. I feel like I have known him for forever, but it really hasn't been that long. We have only been seriously talking and really getting to know eachother for a bit over a week...
I am not one to think that it takes weeks and months to form a true bond. Look at Jack and Rose in Titanic. Sure, it was just a movie.. but! He was willing to die for her after only a few days of knowing eachother..
We have been together four times in the past week.
The first meeting was the first time I had ever even seen him in person. We met at our school and then went to the Taco Bell really close and talked for an hour or two. At that point, I was still just getting to know him and wasn't sure. He gave me a hug for a hello, and an even bigger hug for a goodbye. This was Dec. 16..

The second meeting we went to a movie. This was Dec. 19. We saw Yes Man. Almost every person I've told asked, "Did you actually watch the movie?" Yes.. We watched the movie. Only made out a little.. Hehe... =P After the movie, we walked around the Palms for a bit and talked.

The third meeting was the next day, Dec. 20. We went to the park near my house and had a small picnic. Then we laid in the grass and kissed and talked. It was great.. = ) I feel like I got a lot closer to him that day..

The fourth and most recent meeting was yesterday, Dec. 22. Since he lives in Henderson, Cami drove me out to Sunset park. That park is really beauitiful. It has a lake with ducks and everything. We walked around the park and held hands and just talked.. It was really nice..

I can't wait to see him again. He's taking me to Olive Garden on Friday. Then we are going to go to see Valkyrie. I think I spelled that right.. Hehe.

=D In a nut shell.. I am extremely happy. I just wish that I could silence any worries that are in my head or any one else's. I hope it lasts..

12:48 AM. Decmeber 10th, 2008

At this moment, I am not sure how I feel exactly. I know that it's not sad, but I know that it's not happy. I have come to realize that I have a talent for putting on a fake smile. I know that I have had quite a bit of practice.

I am hoping that things with Kasha with change. I can't help but still feel slightly betrayed by her lie. I wish I could talk to her and sort things out... I think that would be really helpful, but I know that her mom won't allow it.

Once again, I am contemplating several friendships. It breaks my heart. When I am with them, it is fun and exciting, but the guilt or annoyance I feel later is overwhelming. I'm not sure if it's really worth it anymore.

I need to break up with Evan. I can't keep putting if off.. I suppose it is the almost afraid and really guilty side of me that wants to just ignore it. But, that isn't fair for either of us.

I try so hard not to be hurt by my dad's actions. I try to just ignore it and remember that he does love me and that he does care about me. I know that he does, I know it. I understand that drug addicts are like that. I understand why he is the way he is. Even though I know it. Even though I understand. It doesn't make it any less hard.

I really can't wait to get into the new house. I am hoping that I will like it. My room is pretty small, but I think I can make it work for me. Hopefully that will happen within the next week or so.

I can't decide if I want to go to normal school or not next semester...

It's so weird. The fact that the human mind can be thinking about all of those things, almost all of the time. It's overwhelming to say the least. I am trying so hard to just take a deep breath and realize that it will pass. God gives us trials, and those trials he knows that we can handle. He wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle. Yes. I am finally admitting to the fact that I do still believe in God. Some wouldn't think that I did. That's an entirely other subject, though.

I'm ready to not worry, not feel guilty, not miss anyone, and not feel this slight melancholy that slowly creeps up upon me. I'm not sad. Just, at this moment in time, I am not really all that happy either. I probably just need sleep and a cigarette then I'll be alright. Tomorrow is a new day (well, considering its a tad past midnight, today..) maybe something new will happen.