At this moment, I am not sure how I feel exactly. I know that it's not sad, but I know that it's not happy. I have come to realize that I have a talent for putting on a fake smile. I know that I have had quite a bit of practice.
I am hoping that things with Kasha with change. I can't help but still feel slightly betrayed by her lie. I wish I could talk to her and sort things out... I think that would be really helpful, but I know that her mom won't allow it.
Once again, I am contemplating several friendships. It breaks my heart. When I am with them, it is fun and exciting, but the guilt or annoyance I feel later is overwhelming. I'm not sure if it's really worth it anymore.
I need to break up with Evan. I can't keep putting if off.. I suppose it is the almost afraid and really guilty side of me that wants to just ignore it. But, that isn't fair for either of us.
I try so hard not to be hurt by my dad's actions. I try to just ignore it and remember that he does love me and that he does care about me. I know that he does, I know it. I understand that drug addicts are like that. I understand why he is the way he is. Even though I know it. Even though I understand. It doesn't make it any less hard.
I really can't wait to get into the new house. I am hoping that I will like it. My room is pretty small, but I think I can make it work for me. Hopefully that will happen within the next week or so.
I can't decide if I want to go to normal school or not next semester...
It's so weird. The fact that the human mind can be thinking about all of those things, almost all of the time. It's overwhelming to say the least. I am trying so hard to just take a deep breath and realize that it will pass. God gives us trials, and those trials he knows that we can handle. He wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle. Yes. I am finally admitting to the fact that I do still believe in God. Some wouldn't think that I did. That's an entirely other subject, though.
I'm ready to not worry, not feel guilty, not miss anyone, and not feel this slight melancholy that slowly creeps up upon me. I'm not sad. Just, at this moment in time, I am not really all that happy either. I probably just need sleep and a cigarette then I'll be alright. Tomorrow is a new day (well, considering its a tad past midnight, today..) maybe something new will happen.
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