12/29/08

Mmmm. =]

I went to the Bellagio with Zachary with the intention of going and looking at the Gallery of Fine Art. However, due to my tartiness and the really bad traffic, we didn't have enough time. So we just watched the water show and talked for a bit until his mom came and picked us up. Then we went to his grandma's house and ate dinner. It was really nice.. I've found that every moment I'm with him.. I fall for him even harder.

Miss him bunches..

Hm.

I have a feeling that Kasha doesn't want to be friends anymore.

I cried.

I yelled.

I do think I will make it though. I can't force someone to be my friend. She feels betrayed. I suppose I did betray her. I just was worried.

Once again. I can't make someone my friend. They have to want to be.

So... We'll see how that goes.

12/26/08.

Today:
Christmas night, I spend the night at my grandma's house. My dad was in jail, but he got out late on Xmas night, so whatever.
The next day, I went home and got ready. I had a date with Zachary.
The movie was pretty good. Valkyrie.
Dinner was great. Go Olive Garden!
Borders was awesome. He bought me an Edgar Allan Poe book. =]

The best thing though.
He said he loved me.
He said he wants me to be his.
He said we are now officially together.

It's the best high in the world.

The best things were the the last things you would expect...

Zachary has invaded my mind completely. I would say it was annoying, not being able to think of anything but him, but it isn't. I adore thinking of him.. It's so odd, though. I feel like I have known him for forever, but it really hasn't been that long. We have only been seriously talking and really getting to know eachother for a bit over a week...
I am not one to think that it takes weeks and months to form a true bond. Look at Jack and Rose in Titanic. Sure, it was just a movie.. but! He was willing to die for her after only a few days of knowing eachother..
We have been together four times in the past week.
The first meeting was the first time I had ever even seen him in person. We met at our school and then went to the Taco Bell really close and talked for an hour or two. At that point, I was still just getting to know him and wasn't sure. He gave me a hug for a hello, and an even bigger hug for a goodbye. This was Dec. 16..

The second meeting we went to a movie. This was Dec. 19. We saw Yes Man. Almost every person I've told asked, "Did you actually watch the movie?" Yes.. We watched the movie. Only made out a little.. Hehe... =P After the movie, we walked around the Palms for a bit and talked.

The third meeting was the next day, Dec. 20. We went to the park near my house and had a small picnic. Then we laid in the grass and kissed and talked. It was great.. = ) I feel like I got a lot closer to him that day..

The fourth and most recent meeting was yesterday, Dec. 22. Since he lives in Henderson, Cami drove me out to Sunset park. That park is really beauitiful. It has a lake with ducks and everything. We walked around the park and held hands and just talked.. It was really nice..

I can't wait to see him again. He's taking me to Olive Garden on Friday. Then we are going to go to see Valkyrie. I think I spelled that right.. Hehe.

=D In a nut shell.. I am extremely happy. I just wish that I could silence any worries that are in my head or any one else's. I hope it lasts..

12:48 AM. Decmeber 10th, 2008

At this moment, I am not sure how I feel exactly. I know that it's not sad, but I know that it's not happy. I have come to realize that I have a talent for putting on a fake smile. I know that I have had quite a bit of practice.

I am hoping that things with Kasha with change. I can't help but still feel slightly betrayed by her lie. I wish I could talk to her and sort things out... I think that would be really helpful, but I know that her mom won't allow it.

Once again, I am contemplating several friendships. It breaks my heart. When I am with them, it is fun and exciting, but the guilt or annoyance I feel later is overwhelming. I'm not sure if it's really worth it anymore.

I need to break up with Evan. I can't keep putting if off.. I suppose it is the almost afraid and really guilty side of me that wants to just ignore it. But, that isn't fair for either of us.

I try so hard not to be hurt by my dad's actions. I try to just ignore it and remember that he does love me and that he does care about me. I know that he does, I know it. I understand that drug addicts are like that. I understand why he is the way he is. Even though I know it. Even though I understand. It doesn't make it any less hard.

I really can't wait to get into the new house. I am hoping that I will like it. My room is pretty small, but I think I can make it work for me. Hopefully that will happen within the next week or so.

I can't decide if I want to go to normal school or not next semester...

It's so weird. The fact that the human mind can be thinking about all of those things, almost all of the time. It's overwhelming to say the least. I am trying so hard to just take a deep breath and realize that it will pass. God gives us trials, and those trials he knows that we can handle. He wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle. Yes. I am finally admitting to the fact that I do still believe in God. Some wouldn't think that I did. That's an entirely other subject, though.

I'm ready to not worry, not feel guilty, not miss anyone, and not feel this slight melancholy that slowly creeps up upon me. I'm not sad. Just, at this moment in time, I am not really all that happy either. I probably just need sleep and a cigarette then I'll be alright. Tomorrow is a new day (well, considering its a tad past midnight, today..) maybe something new will happen.

About Me

My name is Mersadie Lynn Somerville but I am known to most as just Sadie. I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. I have lived here longer that I have lived anywhere else. I have to admit, living in a city like this for most of my life has taught me a lot. I now know that not everything is so innocent. Seeing someone half naked or driving past a strip club doesn't phase me. I think that living in Las Vegas for a long period of time makes it so not much suprises you anymore. I know that I wouldn't really be suprised when I saw a billboard with a girl in a skimpy outfit on it. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but I think it's a good thing in the end. I know that most of us here in Vegas are anything by naive.

I am only fourteen, but I hate to lable myself with age. Fourteen seems so young, so innocent but in all reality, I have been through so much more than most people have at fourteen. I have had a lot of life lessons, most of which I didn't have to experience myself. I have seen what happens to teen mothers, drug addicts, careless spenders and so many other things. I hate to say I am glad to have seen others around me fail, but I have seen what not to do. I hope that I will keep those lessons in mind as I live my life.

On April 11th, 2007 my life changed forever. I had a back condition called Kyphosis that continiously got worse and worse. It got to a point where without surgery, I could suffer major issues. The doctors said that without the surgery, all I would be able to see at age eighteen was my feet. That did not sound at all appealing. So, on Aptil 11th, I had the surgery. Getting prepped for the surgery, I could already feel the anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I remember it like it was yesterday.. I laid on the gourney and they wheeled me into the OR. I remember waving to my mom as the doors closed, she could come with me no further. I felt my eyes well up with tears and I became overwhelmed with fear and worry. I wondered if I would ever be able to see my mom again. I wondered if I would ever be able to walk again. I wondered and wonderdered how my life would be if something were to go wrong. When I woke up, the first thing I remember seeing was my grandma. She was standing above me. I can't remember anything she said. All I can remember was the agonizing pain I felt. And then I fell back asleep. For a week, I woke up, dozed off, talked to people, wanted to scream, wanted to cry, almost wanted to die.

The fact of utter helplessness, the overwhelming pain, not being able to be independent changed me. I think that it woke me up almost. It gave me confidence for some reason. It gave me courage. I figured if I could live through that, I could live through anything. If I could handle that, I could handle anything. I definatley changed. I no longer enjoy being dependent on anyone. I no longer want to have to rely on others. I want to be completely independent and just rely on myself. I think that is partly because for almost two months, I could barely get dressed by myself. I just know that I am different, and I think in a good way. Stronger, confident, proud and I can finally hold my head up high and say "look at me world, give me your best shot". That felt great.

After meeting certain people and being shown different views of the world, I changed even more. I think that I put my confident and strength out of my head, but it was still there. I know it was. I know that I became extremely depressed. At this moment in time, I can't say what was so horrible. I can't say why I was so sad. I just knew that I wasn't happy.

After months of being unhappy with my life, it finally took another flip. I met Lauren and Dominique. Lauren is shy and sweet while Dominique is extremely outgoing and very honest. They both helped pull me out of me "depression stage". They both taught me what real friendship was and that life should be enjoyed and sulking is only nessecary when something bad happens. I thank them both for that so much.

Then there is Kasha. She has always been here for me. Through the bullies in 5th grade to the boy and friend trouble through out middle school. Despite the fact that through out our four year friendship, we haven't lived in the same state for three of them, we are still very close. Without her, I don't know what I'd do. I miss her like hell.

My family is my lifeline. My mother is fantastic and strong. I really hope that she gets better soon. My sister, Dalynn is 6. She is incredibly outgoing and social, I know she's going to be popular. Camren, my brother, will be 5 in February. He has a kind heart but a strong punch. He'll be a fighter, but more of a lover. My step-dad, Darby is like my father. I love him so much for taking care of me, my mom and Dalynn and Camren. He is a great man. My grandpa is very passionate in his beliefs and loves to share them. He is incredibly intelligant and loveable. My aunt Cami is one of those people that you could talk to for hours and hours at a time and never run out of topics. I love to cook with her. My aunt Nicolee is very expressive and talented. She tends to go out of her way to make everyone happier and I love that about her. My grandma is a great person and I miss seeing her as often as I used to. My uncle Sawyer I don't see much, but I know that he is awesome. He is so responsible and so loving. I love my family to death. They rock.

I could go on about me for forever and ever. Basically, I've been through quite a bit and learned from all of it. I have changed so much through my short but eventful life. I've been happy, I've been sad. Right now, however. I have finally found out how to be truly happy and how to truly have the desire to want to be that way. I finally have goals that I want to fufil. I have ambitions and plans for the future. I am finally content and it feels amazing.