La La La La

Today has been good. I have come to see what I really need, what I really want. I really need to come to my senses, my true senses and open my eyes to who will truly be beneficial to keep around. Who will honestly make me be the best I can be? I think I am growing to see who those people are. I should not surround myself with beings that will give me the material things that I crave. Sex, drugs and fun are not a stable thing to crave. They will eventually and truly drive you mad. I know that I can have some of those things with the people who make me be the best I can be. I am not going to abandon the others. I can't do that to any more of my friends. I just suddenly know who makes me smile..who makes me be me. The me that I know I should be and the me that I want to be.

Sorry about that. Just, thinking out loud I suppose. I am meeting Katie at the Adventure Dome tomorrow. I am hoping that Makaela will be able to come. I know Katie will be really sad if she cannot. I don't want to see her sad. I think I am going to ask Katie if I can email her mom or something to just tell her that I am sorry. I am sorry for whatever it is I did to offend her so. I want to explain to her why I did the things I did. All she knows is all of the horrible things I've done or said to Katie. I regret all of them. I want to be able to see Katie without all of the lies and mistrust. Hopefully, soon, I will be able to. It's just hard to show a grown adult that they can trust me, because I am used to them trusting me without question. I am really looking forward to it though. I miss her. It will be fun to hang out with her.

I am really enjoying Michael Buble. All of his songs are so beautiful and his voice is captivating. I adore it.. There's a song called "Lost" that I want Katie to hear. I want her to know that I don't mean the words in a romantic way, but in a supportive friend, sisterly way. I keep thinking about her. I really do love her. It seems like we have tried to tear ourselves away from each other countless times. I've tried to come up with reasons to not be her friend...but I have ran out of reasons. She is just one of those people that I have come to realize it will be hard to live without. I just want her to know that every time I say "I love you" I mean it in a sisterly way, not in a romantic way. I think she does know that though.

She said that I could be her maid of honor at her and Makaela's wedding. That made me smile. I guess the date for their wedding is: June 26, 2012. I believe that is what she said, at least. I really hope that it works out for her. I can clearly see how happy Makaela makes her. She really deserves that happiness, it has been out of her reach for so long. I adore seeing her smile. It just makes me sad that I am the reason for many of her tears.

Katie also said that her and Makaela are planning on moving in with each other when Katie turns 16. She said I could move in with them if I wished. That would make it so we could all have a job and pay for the bills and groceries. I would seriously consider it. When I told Lauren, she was like..hell no. I think I have a lot of damage to fix up. All of my friends only remember all of the bad things I ever said about Katie and will have to learn to keep their mouths shut and keep their opinions to themselves. It kinda pisses me off. I wonder if my mom would let me move out at 16... I think that if I had my own car and a job..she MIGHT. I don't really want to ask her about it until it's a serious possibility that it could happen.

Speaking of my mom.. We are having money issues so she is slipping into a depression. I understand that money can totally stress you out, I really do. It just bothers me how she lets it ruin each little aspect of her life. She feel guilty for spending too much money on unneeded things, but I wish that she would just lighten up on herself....

Music truly is therapeutic.. Makes me feel instantly better.

Missin' my Zachary, I hope I can see him soon.

All is well... =]

[I'm not sure what to put here.]

I really can't say what is going on in this odd mind of mine. At one moment, my blood will be pumping and I feel a grin form on my face and all is blissful and well. Then the next moment arrives and I feel like I did not so long ago. Empty. Confused. Frusterated. Melancholy. Depressed.
I don't know why it happens. I really don't. I have nothing to be sad about. I am not failing any classes, my work load isn't that much. I have such a great boyfriend who is so nice and wonderful to me. I have good friends who love and support me. I have an amazing family who is always there for me. I am not hideous. I am working on losing weight. I am not living in a crappy house. We have enough money for food. My parents don't abuse me. My household is stable.
So what the fuck am I not content with?
A few minutes ago, before my mom went to bed she gave me a hug good night. She told me: you are my little girl..I love you so much. I don't want you to feel unhappy about anything. I want you to be happy. I want you to make good decisions. I want you to know that I am always here for you and I love you so much. I am so proud of you, of everything you've done. I love you.
It made me cry a little.. I don't know why it effected me like it did. Now I just feel like maybe she's noticed that I am not exactly happy and maybe I'm not making the right decisions and I am not aware of everything great I have.
I can't honestly say what's wrong. I guess some part of me is stressed out and frusterated.
Mom keeps telling me that I need to wake up earlier. I apperently don't do enough around the house and it's starting to piss her off... I don't think anyone really understands though.. I really can't go to sleep unless I am really tired. I CAN'T wake myself up unless I've had a certain amount of sleep. I am EMBARASSED by the fact that I sleep ALL fucking day. I want to get up early and actually see day light for more then 3 hours. I'm not purposely staying up 'till 5am so I can take joy in sleeping all day. I'm just not tired until then. I think I need some sort of sleep aid. If I go to bed at a normal, decent time, I wake up half way through the night and I'm not tired anymore. If I go to bed when I'm purley exaushted, then I sleep just fine. Grr. I don't know.
Everything will be fine. It's going to have to be.

Today has been pretty good. I've discovered a quite tasty recipe for chicken.. =] (One boneless, skinless chicken breast with chili powder, ranch dressing powder and garlic salt) Yum! =D So, today I woke up and made myself some food. The chicken I just mentioned, some pasta with ranch dressing powder and garlic salt then some green beans. It really kept me full for quite some time.
Then I kinda did nothing until Nicolee came and got me to go to the gym. I used a free pass she had. I did 45 minutes on the tredmill, burnt nearly 300 calories. I'm not sure if that's a lot of not, but I was happy. Then we went into the Women's Only section of the gym and did some sets on the arms and thighs. That was okay. Then we went into the steam room. Holy shit. I am telling you..that was a lot more intense then I was expecting. I walked in and could barely breathe or see. The steam was soo thick that I couldn't see the other person sitting across from me. My skin turned pink and my entire body was drenched in sweat. It was oddly pleasureable.
Then Nicolee took me home. Mom said she would be cool signing me up for the gym. I think she now realizes that this will really be good for me. I had a fruit smoothie then went and took a bath. Twas nice. =]
Then Lauren called and told me about some bullshit thats going on with her. I tried to give advice, but she's just one of those people that it seems like no matter what you tell her, she's not really going to listen. But, I think she will be fine.. If only her brothers would stop being so mean to her.
I got an email from Cami. I was happy. =D Now I know that Nicolee, her and I are all doing this thing called Calorie Counter. It's caloriecounter.about.com. What you do is enter all the information about yourself, your age, weight, height, etc. It suggests an amount of weight that you should lose and gives you a reasonable time to lose it. You enter the foods you eat and it tells you the calories. Plus, based upon your lifestyle, it tells you how many calories you should burn a day. It has workout plans, loads of recipes, support groups and a lot more. It's pretty cool. =]
I feel like I actually may be able to keep this up this time. I really hope so. I really want to lose some weight. I'm going to go with the family to Alabama this summer and I want to look better then I do so I feel more confident. It would also be cool to see Kasha and Co. and have them be like. WOW! Look at you! That would make me feel awesome. =]
I asked Zachary if he felt like everything was okay in our relationship. He said yes. That makes me feel a little bit better. There are times where I feel like it's dull or just thoughtless. So, knowing that he is okay with it makes me feel better because now I know that he's not having any negative feelings. I just need to chill and be happy, because what I have is so amazing. I love him to death and I really think he's good for me. It really does suck that we can't see eachother that often, but I know why.
I think that if I am concentrating on my diet and going to the gym, everything else in my life won't seem as boring. I think that will be good. I really need to concentrate more on school and such though. I'm not falling behind, but I really hate starting the new semester.. If you don't turn in an assignment, your grade's an F because there isn't any good things to balance it out. It's annoying. Now they have this rule that if you don't have a 40% or higher and if you don't work on each class for 4 hours a week, you will get a call home and have to have a parent/teacher conference. I was like..oh..great!! Yay..
Anyways, today has been good. =] I've been in a pretty good mood, which feels great.

Hm.

I am trying to hard to ignore my fears and simply life in the moment. I know that I don't exactly have reason or justification to be sad or anything right now. I have so many great things in my life, I know that.

Yet, despite this, there is still a feeling slowly creeping onto me. I keep trying to push it away and step on it, but it stays. In front of others, I will act completely normal and amazing, but behind closed doors..it's a different story. There's so much I want to say on this blog, but I know who will read it.. I don't know. I just feel so uncertain about some things and I'm not sure how to address them.

I want to start this diet, but in order to do this, I need to get certain foods and such and I can't pay for anything. I feel like it sometimes irratates my mom when I want to buy healthier foods and go to the gym and stuff. I realize that it costs money and I shouldn't be selfish about it, but I am so tired of being unhappy about my weight and being insecure. I'm finished.. I just can't do it alone.

I just need something, but I am not sure what that something is. I feel guilty about saying that though. I feel like I should just be greatful of what I have. I have so many great things, Zachary, my family, friends, everything.. I just feel depression coming on again for some reason. I think it's purely frusteration. I am done not being able to do what I want to do. I guess I just need to keep trying at it and not give up.

Nothing bad is going on. I guess I am just tired and need to relax. I just feel frusterated and overwhelmed.

Plus, I really miss some people. I didn't realize how much I talked to Cami and how much advice she gave me, but now she's gone. I know that I can still talk to her, but it's just not the same. Nicolee has been good to talk to though. Hopefully I'll be able to go to the gym with her and stuff and get some stress out. Mom just doesn't seem like she wants to make another commitment to a gym.. That personally frusterates me because I think that I will go and not just blow it off all the time, but oh well. It's not my money..

I am trying to quit smoking too.. Honestly, I think that that has been the main issue. I hate the fact that I am in such a different mood when I don't smoke as much, but honestly...I'm not that sure that it is the MAIN issue. I've smoked two cigarettes today and there are days when I smoke just that and I am in a perfectly fine mood. So, I don't know what the deal is.

I guess I am just thinking about so much stuff. I want to mention it all, but I don't know who will read this.. I guess it will just have to remain trapped in my head, driving me slowly insane. But, it's really alright.. Nothing I can't handle.. xD

Sadie The Purple Dinosaur

That is the name that Mauricio has given me. (He's the best gay guy in the world!) Flattering, eh? I found it amusing. He named me this because of my new purple hair. xD It's not really PURPLE though.. It more just burgundy. It's really pretty though, Zachary and Lauren and Nicolee say they like it. Yay! =D

I keep coughing, it's irratating.. I hate having colds.

Camren's birthday was today. Little guy is 5 now..unbelievable.. I still remember the day he was born.. Kinda gross seeing your mom like that, but hey.. I saw my little brother for this first moments of his life.. Cutie.

I'm talking to Mauricio on the phone right now. Talking and talking.. Lol. He's fun..

I went to the Sun Coast with Zachary and Lauren to go bowling. It was fun. =] I thought I was going to do good, but I did really badly. Lol. Zachary did good though. =] Then we went to TGI Friday. I felt bad because the waiter was kickass and the bill was large and we left him a really bad tip. =[ I felt horrible, but Zachary felt like it was enough. Oh well.

Then we walked to Lauren's house. I really didn't want to go but Zachary and Lauren didn't see why. So we went there and chilled in the backyard for a bit. Then we went into Lauren's room and Evan was in there.. So that was awkward but then Evan left, so that was good. Zachary was like.. :O. I was like..wow.. Then Zachary left and I stayed at Laurens. Decent.

Then the next day Nicolee came to get me and we went to the mall. Dalynn and Camren came with us. They had gone to see Hotel For Dogs. In the mall we got this CD for Amir that's by Elmo and says Amir's name.. so cute. Dalynn wanted one too, but it was almost $40. I secretly wanted one..xD Then we went to Wal Mart and Nicolee picked up some other things for Cami and got Camren a birthday present.

I'm trying to get my mom to sign me up for the gym, but she doesn't feel comfortable with it. I just really want to do it, I need to lose some weight. Hopefully she will do it. Nicolee said she would make sure I go every day. I think that would be good for me. I would be able to sleep better. I would be more heathly. I would be thinner. My back would feel better.. It would just be nice.. =] So we'll see how that goes!

Anyways. I'm boring Mauricio because we are talking on the phone and I'm not fully concentrating on what he is saying, so I'm going to stop now.

Byes.