Today has been good. I have come to see what I really need, what I really want. I really need to come to my senses, my true senses and open my eyes to who will truly be beneficial to keep around. Who will honestly make me be the best I can be? I think I am growing to see who those people are. I should not surround myself with beings that will give me the material things that I crave. Sex, drugs and fun are not a stable thing to crave. They will eventually and truly drive you mad. I know that I can have some of those things with the people who make me be the best I can be. I am not going to abandon the others. I can't do that to any more of my friends. I just suddenly know who makes me smile..who makes me be me. The me that I know I should be and the me that I want to be.
Sorry about that. Just, thinking out loud I suppose. I am meeting Katie at the Adventure Dome tomorrow. I am hoping that Makaela will be able to come. I know Katie will be really sad if she cannot. I don't want to see her sad. I think I am going to ask Katie if I can email her mom or something to just tell her that I am sorry. I am sorry for whatever it is I did to offend her so. I want to explain to her why I did the things I did. All she knows is all of the horrible things I've done or said to Katie. I regret all of them. I want to be able to see Katie without all of the lies and mistrust. Hopefully, soon, I will be able to. It's just hard to show a grown adult that they can trust me, because I am used to them trusting me without question. I am really looking forward to it though. I miss her. It will be fun to hang out with her.
I am really enjoying Michael Buble. All of his songs are so beautiful and his voice is captivating. I adore it.. There's a song called "Lost" that I want Katie to hear. I want her to know that I don't mean the words in a romantic way, but in a supportive friend, sisterly way. I keep thinking about her. I really do love her. It seems like we have tried to tear ourselves away from each other countless times. I've tried to come up with reasons to not be her friend...but I have ran out of reasons. She is just one of those people that I have come to realize it will be hard to live without. I just want her to know that every time I say "I love you" I mean it in a sisterly way, not in a romantic way. I think she does know that though.
She said that I could be her maid of honor at her and Makaela's wedding. That made me smile. I guess the date for their wedding is: June 26, 2012. I believe that is what she said, at least. I really hope that it works out for her. I can clearly see how happy Makaela makes her. She really deserves that happiness, it has been out of her reach for so long. I adore seeing her smile. It just makes me sad that I am the reason for many of her tears.
Katie also said that her and Makaela are planning on moving in with each other when Katie turns 16. She said I could move in with them if I wished. That would make it so we could all have a job and pay for the bills and groceries. I would seriously consider it. When I told Lauren, she was like..hell no. I think I have a lot of damage to fix up. All of my friends only remember all of the bad things I ever said about Katie and will have to learn to keep their mouths shut and keep their opinions to themselves. It kinda pisses me off. I wonder if my mom would let me move out at 16... I think that if I had my own car and a job..she MIGHT. I don't really want to ask her about it until it's a serious possibility that it could happen.
Speaking of my mom.. We are having money issues so she is slipping into a depression. I understand that money can totally stress you out, I really do. It just bothers me how she lets it ruin each little aspect of her life. She feel guilty for spending too much money on unneeded things, but I wish that she would just lighten up on herself....
Music truly is therapeutic.. Makes me feel instantly better.
Missin' my Zachary, I hope I can see him soon.
All is well... =]
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