Hm.

I am trying to hard to ignore my fears and simply life in the moment. I know that I don't exactly have reason or justification to be sad or anything right now. I have so many great things in my life, I know that.

Yet, despite this, there is still a feeling slowly creeping onto me. I keep trying to push it away and step on it, but it stays. In front of others, I will act completely normal and amazing, but behind closed doors..it's a different story. There's so much I want to say on this blog, but I know who will read it.. I don't know. I just feel so uncertain about some things and I'm not sure how to address them.

I want to start this diet, but in order to do this, I need to get certain foods and such and I can't pay for anything. I feel like it sometimes irratates my mom when I want to buy healthier foods and go to the gym and stuff. I realize that it costs money and I shouldn't be selfish about it, but I am so tired of being unhappy about my weight and being insecure. I'm finished.. I just can't do it alone.

I just need something, but I am not sure what that something is. I feel guilty about saying that though. I feel like I should just be greatful of what I have. I have so many great things, Zachary, my family, friends, everything.. I just feel depression coming on again for some reason. I think it's purely frusteration. I am done not being able to do what I want to do. I guess I just need to keep trying at it and not give up.

Nothing bad is going on. I guess I am just tired and need to relax. I just feel frusterated and overwhelmed.

Plus, I really miss some people. I didn't realize how much I talked to Cami and how much advice she gave me, but now she's gone. I know that I can still talk to her, but it's just not the same. Nicolee has been good to talk to though. Hopefully I'll be able to go to the gym with her and stuff and get some stress out. Mom just doesn't seem like she wants to make another commitment to a gym.. That personally frusterates me because I think that I will go and not just blow it off all the time, but oh well. It's not my money..

I am trying to quit smoking too.. Honestly, I think that that has been the main issue. I hate the fact that I am in such a different mood when I don't smoke as much, but honestly...I'm not that sure that it is the MAIN issue. I've smoked two cigarettes today and there are days when I smoke just that and I am in a perfectly fine mood. So, I don't know what the deal is.

I guess I am just thinking about so much stuff. I want to mention it all, but I don't know who will read this.. I guess it will just have to remain trapped in my head, driving me slowly insane. But, it's really alright.. Nothing I can't handle.. xD